truth

this sums it up.

Vanity be thy name.

OK, have to be honest, I can say this is all about health till the cows come home, but in truth the idea of looking good help. In the spirit of honesty for my blog I am putting the picture of my goal dress here on the blog.

Back of the room kind'a gal

warning, some of the content may been seen as TMI:
Well today was the 2nd Zumba class. I think I need an award for going. PMS, cramps, IBS, rainstorms, sleet and snow tried to keep me away. I do go. Yay me. Different instructor this time, don't care for her as much. I think if I were more advance she would be ok, but as a newbie, I prefer Gabby. came home to my slimmed down version of lasagna soup in the crock pot. really wishing this house business was over and done, as strange as it seems, think I need my freedom to explore my new lifestyle a little in private and there is no such thing here and now. hard to keep from going back to the old food as a weapon and emotional control tool that the 17 yr old me did while living with the same woman I did then. pushing through and keeping going. not doing great in hydration today and really didn't have a good food day either. not bad, but not good. need better stocked fridge and pantry for better choices, but it isn't my fridge or pantry and people get upset here if things get to full of stuff so I try not to buy to much ahead more then a day or two. mental changes are the most important right now. keeping it up and trying to keep my motivation. i have always been a back of the room kind of gal, always more comfortable with me looking at others and not the other way around but this time, I was in a room full of more stubborn then me back of the room gals. I ended up first row at Zumba. started out feeling a little uncomfortable, then the perfect song came on and I embrassed it. Thanks Katy Perry for giving me this song today to get through my plastic bag moment.

Hunger

paid close attention to my bodies clues today and used these guidelines. I realized my body does give me the right cues I just ignore them often. finding I do better on small meals every few hours rather then 3 large ones.
Had an emotional moment that sparked many old feelings. I am glad it happened. I was able to look at all of them and use it as a training tool. I don't want to spend my life with food as a weapon or my enemy.
I am finding right now I am craving green veggies, the darker the better. I am sure this is due to something my body needs. think I will go shopping in the morning for some Kale and other leafy greens.
still struggling with hydration today but it is better.
It might be crazy but I think this blog may be really helping me discover me and much cheaper then therapy.

New theme song, or fake it till you make it.

Not here yet, but I will be.

The morning after.

Feeling better then I thought I would, I was sore last night but not this morning. Did some thinking last night. I am not sure if it is completely the case, but food may be my addiction. I have used food as a tool or weapon for control or comfort as far back as I can remember or at least back to 8 yrs old. From anorexia/bulimia at 17 to where we are now with eating for comfort and company. I have come to the conclusion I need to reform my relationship with food. I do not want to make it my enemy, lets face it, I like it. Many of the events in our culture center around food and eating together with friends and family. when you look around and see the number of people who can do this but also maintain a healthy lifestyle it must be possible. So do I try to pretend I will never eat another piece of fudge knowing this will fail, or do I adopt the idea, eat the fudge for the occasion but be willing to do the cardio to even it out. I have always gone at this the wrong way. I do not need a diet, I need a lifestyle change. I need to retrain my brain on how to live. Starving myself down to low calories will only make the body shut down, you must fuel to work and you must work to lose. strange concept for someone like myself to take in, but I am going to start working on it now. going to get a clear pitcher from the store and fill it each day with my daily water and set my phone for hydration alarm reminders. hope these help with the hydration.

Do or do not

Well to quote Yoda "there is no try, there is do or do not" I did. not saying it was easy or even that I liked it. but at some point I think an old me recognized it and tried telling me we used to like this. The instructor is great and doesn't make you feel bad if you can't keep up, just asks you keep moving. well I guess I get points for going and getting through it and getting off the couch. tomorrow is Yoga in the morning.

first downfall

noticing the last 3 days, the biggest downfall is hydration. need to come up with a plan to get my water intake up. will work on that system this evening.

every journey begins with a single step

Well here I am. so many emotions. the last 6 months have been nothing but change, new state, new town, no home and retirement for Larry and new job. in all this I felt my job was to keep some kind of order to our life. The kids are doing well. I am now at the point I can look at myself. I am 41 yrs old with high blood pressure, diabetes and obesity. my grandmother will all the same things died at 44. many things I am putting here are the first time they have openly been admitted even to myself. but the time is now. This is not a journey to a bikini for the beach, or a skinny dress. This is a journey to be alive to see my children grow up. The same kids I  fought many long years to have. I sit here today, nervous, excited, anxious and afraid I can't do it. I have my first Zumba class today and the hardest part is just showing up. I am going to try and keep this blog before and after each class and every day to track my emotions and hold myself accountable. Not sure yet If I will share this. If I do, it will be with a select few for support. went to Dr. yesterday, so I have an accurate weight and should have lab results soon. here are my goals for a healthier me. more energy. be able to hike and play with my girls. I want to be able to hike with a dear friend of mine, not knowing how long she will be able to continue on this activity that she loves I want to be able to join in it with her. She has been an inspiration to me in the last year. I want to come off of a good deal of my meds and live a more homeopathic lifestyle. I am by no means the Birkenstock granola type, but I do think there is something to the "natural is better" way of life. I want to be a better Friend and partner to my husband. right now physical goal is to lose 80 pounds and by spring hike Laural falls. lets see if I can finally succeed.